Yes, he said "Google Me"!

Last week I met a man who introduced himself as the "(insert name of very successful CEO here) Whisperer" only moments before he told my colleague and I to "Google" him when asked him what his specific role was on the project we were meeting about.

I've worked with plenty of odd people before. Egomaniacs. Sociopaths. Cross-dressers. And so many more. But, I've never ever met a man that made me dislike him with less than ten words out of his mouth.

He is one part of a larger team of men, also in that meeting, that are paid millions for absolutely nothing of value. They tout their successes, but when they are "Googled" those successes seem to be fabricated. They tout job histories that include some factual references but not in the order or magnitude that they are constantly spouting about. As a group they are dangerous.

As an outsider, they appear to be pirates... hijacking the management infrastructure of a fragile organization, adding fear and distrust among the masses who have worked so hard to build something good, something of value, something with values. They have devalued the work that built a billion dollar company. They are stripping the company of its character as they prove that they have little character.

I hate doing work that is destroying good work done by some of my best friends. I hate supporting a brand change that I would never get behind because I have no belief in their message or story. Even worse, though, is that this is not uncommon. Many companies are in this position, doing this very thing, making unfortunate and destructive decisions out of desperation, uncertainty, insecurity, and a pressure to do nothing more than make money.

And, really, who the hell says "Google me"? Who? An asshat.

Some people should be muzzled!

On Sunday's we have family dinner at my parent's house. It's a great way to end the weekend. All the grandkids get together and wear each other out. They run and scream and make a mess of my mom's overly clean house. We love it. Most of our kids are more connected to my parents than their other grandparents. In fact, most of the other grandparents are completely crazy.

I don't mean a little nutty and odd, I mean that we could check any of them in to a mental institution at any minute and they'd fit right in. Like my kids other grandmother who never leaves the house except to go to the grocery store and the liquor store and who wears those fuzzy socks with the non-skid bits on the bottom (like the ones you buy for babies) and old lady flesh colored sandals. Nastay! There is also my oldest sister's mother in law who lives in Bev Hills, chases very well known married politicians, and wears tape on her face to make sure she doesn't purse her lips or scowl to avoid wrinkles. (it's not and has never worked. her wrinkles are terrifying.) CRAZIES.

My grandmother shows up at this dinner every Sunday. No fail. It's a free meal. And, she lives in a place where she has now offended every other resident and no one will speak to her, or invite her to do anything. And, really, she does nothing anyway. She stayed with my parents for a few months a few years ago after having heart surgery and left a stain on my mother's sofa. She sat in the same place all day every day watching game shows and The View. From this comfy perch she was able to also view and comment on my mother's cleaning habits, and yell at any and all children who came in to the house for no reason whatsoever. She is, perhaps, the most unhappy and unkind woman on the planet. And, she has spent the last twenty years of her life making sure that everyone around her knew that. She has been beyond offensive to all of the children in my family and my parents my entire life. She has also given us many many reasons to laugh. I know, I'm horrible, but on days when she is especially nasty to us or to our children, it is incredibly gratifying to have her walk out of the house and out to her car with her dress caught way up in her pantyhose. It's mean. I know. But, payback's a bitch. (you can judge me, i'll get over it... i've been tortured by her my whole life)

The purpose of this rant/vent is really to say that I don't understand people who do not know that being cruel to children for any reason is unforgivable. This past Sunday after dinner and in a place out of the earshot of most parents my grandmother cornered my 1o year old niece and asked her why she was so pudgy when all of her cousins were so thin.

My niece is adorably round. She's like a character from Lilo and Stitch. All soft rounded lines. She is a competitive swimmer and an outstanding student and friend. She has noticed her differences and commented on them privately. But, she has a mother that knows exactly how she feels. My little sister, her mother, was just like her. Always a little rounder and rosier than her friends. But as an adult she has always been quite thin and fit. She grew out of her soft edges and so will her daughter.

I have never had patience for my grandmother's lack of tact or feeling. Generally when she pulls this kind of crap with the kids or any of my siblings, I'm the one that tells her that it is not only unkind but inappropriate. I wanted to call her and tell her that she's not allowed to talk to any of these kids of ours unless it is to tell them that they look fabulous, and that they are wonderful and talented and perfect in every way. The kids avoid her. She has never developed a relationship with any of them. It is a very sad thing. They are all remarkable and funny and wonderful in their own way and they totally love each other. Our children deserve so much better.

She's 85 this weekend. Maybe I'll give her one or many of the lovely gifts she's given me throughout the years. Like a bottle of Seabreeze, that hideous smelling astringent that burns the top layer of skin off your face every time you use it. I think she stopped giving those to me when my mom told her that Seabreeze melted our contacts. Or, a crocheted belt made with rainbow colored yarn with glitter in it. Or, a Whitman sampler. You know, the box of toothpaste and rock filled chocolates. Yummy. We often fed them to the cats. Or, on a good year we'd remember to wrap them back up and give them back to her for Mother's Day, Easter, Christmas, and her Birthday. We were horrible children... but wickedly funny.

I didn't call her and tell her what a big huge jerk she was for calling my niece pudgy and making her cry. I was a candyass about it. But, it's highly possible that I'll give her a little shit this weekend. I just need to get in the mood. And, so far, this week has been kind of awesome. Except for work, but who cares about that. And, except for friends having work woes and crappy asshat partners and the like. There's bound to be some big hiccup though. Only gave my asshat half of his ass today. Need to do the rest before the week is out.

Do they make muzzles for people? (and i'm not talking about the s&m ones... in this post anyway)

better villians II

So, tomorrow turned in to the day after the day after the day after tomorrow. It's cool though, no one is really reading this yet so who give s a poop?

It's actually a good thing that I didn't post for a few days because I had a new awesome addition that is totally fitting for the second half of my villains post.

I've been consulting for a company for the last ten months. I stepped in to help them build their brand, tell their story, and help their customers connect with them. It was no easy task. The owners all played creative director here and there. They spent three times what they should have because they would not focus. I should have stepped away as soon as I was finished delivering the brand and marketing strategy. I stayed. Easy money, what can I say. But the last three months have been torture.

One of the owners has turned in to a the micro-manager from the deepest darkest depths of shitty boss hell. He doesn't just follow up on things here and there, he follows up on everything and peppers me and everyone else with texts and calls and emails at all hours of the day and night. Yesterday I was out with my kids and he shot multiple texts at me about something completely trivial. He was annoyed that my answers came several minutes after his questions and he let me know it. I finally just asked him why he didn't have anything better to do with his time because I was out enjoying the beautiful day with my kids and I really had no intention of doing a moment of work on my Saturday. I didn't stop there.

I explained to him in a very strongly worded response that it has been a challenge to work with him because he does not trust others and because he never seems to be busy doing anything productive. He spends a lot of time bouncing from office to office talking to the few of us at the company about what we're doing every day. He sucks up hours of my time discussing things that have nothing to do with him. I believe that he simply does not know how to do what he has to do to make his company a success. This is a brand new company. He believes that running it requires him to be on top of every little teeny tiny detail. Unfortunately, this is the thing that will likely assist in his failure faster than anything else. You must trust the people you hire to do the work you pay them to do. Great managers participate but not in the minutia.

He's kind of an asshat, this guy. He's erratic and unpredictable on his good days. And, on his bad days he just doesn't show. He may be there, but he doesn't do anything. This is the guy who asked if we could change our logo two months in to shipping product. Ummm, dude, the answer is hell no. He demanded that we explore options anyway. Guess what? 25k later we stuck with the original logo. Did I say asshat? It's a way better word than douche. It's funnier. I've called him captain doucheypants for the last several months. But, asshat is my new favorite. I so deserve a better villain. Someone a little more interesting anyway. He bores me.

The last bit of this tale of shitty villains is rather funny. But, beware. It's about sex, the oral kind, and vibrators, and radiation. Read on if you dare...

I am one of many lucky lucky girls that get to spend a good part of her week doing something hideous (besides working with the asshat) to to her body so that maybe she'll get a little more time to work with more asshats. I'm recovering from a little tiny touch of cancer. Not the worst form, but this one's been a bitch from day one. I gained 78 pounds in about three months. It was water. I was pissed. Then I was terrified. Now I'm just sick.

I go to radiation twice a week and take an oral chemotherapy drug once a week. We've already killed most of the little nasties, but there are a few stragglers that need some attention. The radiation is insane. It makes me feel a little insane. I vomit before I go in and then at least a dozen times during the hours after I finish. Having been a former lush in high school and even college the art of the dry heave was perfected long ago. So, it hardly phases me anymore. I'm super thankful for all those boozy parties and how they prepared me for this horrid experience. (kidding).

The very best part of my time at the clinic is the conversation I get to overhear between the two nurses that have been involved in my treatment since day one. These two twenty something girls are hilarious. Not because they're funny. They're not all that funny, but they talk about the craziest shit. The conversation I overheard not too long ago went something like this:

nurse 1: "i have the funniest story to tell you. do you remember how i told you that my husband bought me a vibrator for christmas?"

nurse 2: "yes, and thanks for sharing that again because... gross"

nurse 1: "so we've been trying to figure out how to make things work a little bit better with it because it's been not so fun since the babies and stuff"

nurse 2: "and, again, thanks for sharing" (but she's laughing and clearly they've talked about this stuff before)

nurse 1: "so we were using it last night and were in a very awkward position so that he could get a better view and it got too close to his teeth and hit his two front teeth a few times and chipped them both. like big huge chips."

nurse 2 laughs so hard that she falls off of her stool on to the floor.

Poor nurse 1 deserves a better villain than a tooth chipping vibrator. But, since I've learned that the teeth are fixed and beautiful and the vibrator is a godsend and her husband is a freaky freak in the bedroom. Good for her!

I was so not a candyass yesterday. And, today, I've only been a partial one. I'm not brave all the time. Not as brave as I should be anyway. But tomorrow I'll be extra brave because I have to be done with the asshat. It's exciting. It's my first step toward Honey. That'll be a new chapter. I'll tell you all about it.

Peace out!