My kids are stupid awesome.

On Sunday morning I piled my kids in to the car and drove up the mountain to Sundance for a little breakfast and some quiet time away from what is THE WORST WEEK in the history of weeks. Maybe you've had worse weeks. Maybe. I doubt it. But, try me.

Mine went something like this. Death. Cancer. Chemo. Surgery. Stitches. Radiation. Chemo. Wal Mart. Death. Dancing. Crying. Insomnia.


The details are fascinating. I promise. But, I'm still not sure how I want to remember the mess. So, I'll just tell you that in all of the drama of the week, while I felt helpless and a little bit out of control, my kids were pretty remarkable. And, in all of her grief, the little one with fresh stitches lifted me and comforted me and told me "sometimes some of us just get all the hard stuff because other people will freak the heck out." She's a wise one. 

The last couple of years have mostly.... sucked. My kids learned quickly how to handle things my parents had a hard time dealing with. Cancer is scary. Mom's with cancer are super scary. Big changes at home are unsettling and can cause kids years of worry. They understand fear and grief. They have endured plenty of both. And they surprise me everyday with how much they do to overcome both... every single day. My champion dancer, and my middle blondie with freckles for days and humor for miles, and my boy who learned to cope early by putting everything in to his drawings. My kids are stupid awesome.


Today I miss my tiny dog who died last Saturday. I didn't realize how much I loved him and how much space he really filled in our home. It is quiet now. My kids are so noisy, but it is still quiet without him there. Last summer I went through six solid weeks of chemotherapy. It was my first summer home full time.... ever. It should have been so fun. But, I was sick.

Fenway - The day we brought him home.

We spent many hours piled in my big bed watching movies last summer. That tiny dog never left me. He knew. It was like he needed to be there to hear that I was OK. On nights I wasn't OK, he would bark and wake up the whole house if I woke up and needed something. He knew. As I near hard days like those again, I miss his comfort. Instead, I have a 35 lb kid with a huge head climbing up next to me in the dark and snuggling his giant head in to my neck. He talks in his sleep and begs for drinks in the middle of the night. Right around 2am he'll scream "I need to pee". It's a treat.


For the first time in my life I felt the creeping  depression start to find its way in. It is not a natural feeling for me and it worried me. So, naturally, I just doubled up on my "happy" pills. Kidding. I just got my running shoes out and got back on the road and it helped a lot. 

I am sad that my children have to go through so much and that I can't hide the hard things in the world from them. On the flip side, I want them to know the hard stuff early and learn how to handle it well now so that they can spend their energy on better things and overcome the shitty shit life might deal them with ease. I'm also making sure they always have a good pair of runners for the days that things blow.


-W

 

Dear Summer, your days are numbered.

The kids class lists were posted this morning. Three weeks and they're back in school. I can't wait. I love the schedule and the rhythm of a school year, but I am sad that this summer has passed so quickly and I feel like I've missed so much of it. Maine and my beautiful town South of Boston are long gone.

We've had cousins visiting from Beijing and they've kept my kids busy with every activity a kid could imagine during the summers here. Rock climbing, swimming, hiking, swimming, camping, swimming, skating, night games, sleepovers at grandparents, golfing, baseball games, and swimming. And, bunches and bunches of other things.

Mojo tackling a steep wall in American Fork Canyon, July 2011

If you know me well, you know that I've recently been a tiny bit sick again and that my Mojo had surgery two weeks ago and her summer was halted quite suddenly with the new piece of hardware in her chinny chin chin. I've wanted to throw in the towel and quit working full time and just hang out with my kids. And, to be really honest, to also spend more time with my friends. Have I ever told you that I have the greatest friends ever. I do. They are smart and funny and SMART and they always show. Always. And, guess what else. I love their kids. (The ones that don't have kids get mine by default, so I REALLY love their kids.) Their kids are adventurous and clever and kind and one gives the best kisses on the planet.

For mine, summer has been made better by their deep connections to their cousins, all of these new friends, my mother and her beautiful yard built for her 16 grandchildren and the cinnamon rolls that seem to appear magically in her kitchen, and by a swing that makes butterflies and belly laughs in Kalli's backyard.

Grandma makes great comic strip hats and her poppies are the MOST beautiful in Alpine. We love the trees in Kalli's backyard and love that we get to play there often. We also love how close we are to the mountains for hiking and campfires and, most of all, for s'mores.

 For years I have wanted only to get out of this state and head back to my beautiful New England. Both for me and my children. I have always felt that they would thrive away from here and away from the things I find challenging and frustrating about this place. But, they have much here that would be greatly missed if we were to leave. And, so do I. So, for now... we stay and love it.