The No Talk List: Got The Boogers Out

Sam is three. He is a mess. His face is always dirty and probably permanently stained. His fingernails have unknown matter under them. I will clean them and it will reappear immediately. He has strawberry blond hair that sticks straight up all over his head making it look much bigger than it really is. And, it's already big. See... 

I frequently quote So I Married an Axe Murderer right at him. "Look at your head, it's like an orange on a toothpick. Got its own weather system, it does." I hope he grows in to his head someday. For now, I love how fuzzy his hair is and how he still lets me kiss him all over it. I know those days are not going to last much longer.

The other day he snuck up behind me while I was working and said (with all the pride a 3 year old can muster) "Mom, I brushed my teef, and my hairs on my head, and got all my boogers out."

We're not allowed to talk about it in front of him anymore. It makes him scream like a girl and threaten to bite and pinch. For now it can go on the no talk list with the Fluffernutter sex sandwich.  You know what though? I'd totally buy tissues from a company that showed a kid getting the boogers out and putting them in to the tissue. My niece wipes them on the wall. I've witnessed it and it makes me gag. Gagging is never good for a girl on chemo. It is always followed by dry heaving or vomit. Ohhh that would scare the little shizzle right out of her. Could it get her to use a tissue though?

(The word gagging kind of makes me gag too.)

Speaking of gagging...

We have dinner at my parents house with all of my local siblings and their kids every Sunday. I love it. It's one of the best parts of the week. Except for one part. My grandma. My dad's mom is the most unhappy, unkind, unfriendly, old crab EVER.

Little kids have crappy grandma radar. There is an invisible forcefield that won't let them within five feet of her. We've tried to tell her that kids generally don't like to be told they are fat, mean, or ugly. But, she contests that, as the matriarch of the family, it's her right to tell them those things. All I can say to her is that karma is a bitch. And, she's been storing that bad karma away for a long time.

A couple of weeks ago at our weekly family dinner she got the payback of a lifetime when she stood up from the dinner table and let out a series of noises (gag now) with their own special brand (fragrance) that now have the kids calling her "Machine Gun Granny". They have to call eachother every few days to talk about the fart that put all other farts to shame. The fart that had the power to make the house shake as those kids erupted. This is a giggly bunch of monsters. But, these were belly laughs. And, the biggest laugh of all was my dad. He has selective hearing when it comes to her. There was no escaping the rat-a-tat-tat though.

Farts and boogers are gross, but anything that makes kids light up and laugh together like that is ok with me.

If you're a Candyass about saying FART (I know plenty of people who are, but are ok with the other 4 letter F word... go figure) you can say it with a British accent and it doesn't sound so bad.

And, I'm off. Peace out.

The No Talk List

This will be a recurring entry. The No Talk List is a big deal in my family. The stories are wildly entertaining and simply cannot be forgotten. And, they must be shared.

The list started two years ago during a trip we took with my brother and his family to Huntington Beach and Disneyland. Truthfully, one of the best vacations ever. Our kids love each other and travel perfectly together. We spent the first few days on the beach and lounging at the pool at the fabulous Hyatt right on the beach. A much needed wind down for the parents.

We saw dolphins and took surfing lessons and rented bikes and boogie boards. The kids all learned how to body surf and collected buckets and buckets of seashells and sea glass. It was almost too good to be true. Something had to happen. This could not be the perfect vacation!! Our kids were all notoriously naughty. Little villains.

It was too good to be true. Our fourth day on the coast was the first day we ventured to Disneyland. We packed up and left that gorgeous hotel that spoiled our kids rotten for a few days and checked in to the skankiest sleeziest dirtiest mess any of us had every seen. It had this beautiful facade, and all kinds of great (fabricated) reviews. Under the very thin veneer was what a total shitshow. And, I mean that literally.

We checked in and got kids all lathered up with sunscreen and then waited on the front walk for the shuttle to the Happiest Place on Earth (sometimes). My nephew walked a few feet away from us to look at the flowers (probably plastic) in beds in front of the hotel. As his little eyes wandered around the colorful flowers, his little feet wandered in to the biggest pile of supercharged stinky dog poop. Right there in the middle of the sidewalk. It was bad enough to simply take his shoes and socks off and throw them away.

For a few minutes nothing was funny about this. Kids were all overly excited about the rides and the characters and the treats and the parades. They were all totally buzzed. We were trying to keep them contained. At some point I got the giggles. That was the biggest pile of poop I'd ever seen. It was like a cow patty, but not full of all that fibrous junk. He'd not just stepped in it. He'd walked through it a couple of times. Literally... a shitshow.

My laughing got my SIL laughing and my brother laughing and when my nephew had had enough he yelled "that's it, this is on the NO TALK LIST and you can't say anything about it ever again". And, the list was born. That first story is not as entertaining as some that will follow, but you had to know how it came to be. The list includes many entries from the little boy who lost his shoes at the shitshow. You'll get to know him quite well.

The second entry on the list happened within weeks of the vacation mentioned above. My brother decided it was time to introduce his kids to the most delectable sandwich ever made. The FLUFFERNUTTER. I know, it's bitchin right? Peanut butter and marshmallow fluff between a couple of slices of white bread. Delicious! My nephew agrees with me on the fabulousness of this sandwich. In fact, he agrees with me to such a degree that he was caught saying this under his breath: "I love this sandwich. This is the best sandwich in the whole world. I'm going to have sex with this sandwich."

My niece overhead this declaration and fell on the floor in fits of laughter. When she composed herself a little bit she ratted him out to my brother who then explained to my nephew that no sex would be happening with a sandwich. Crushed, he finished the sandwich... and made another.

More to come on the no talk list. Including the time my dad blew up a gas station in Vegas.