Everyday Conversations Episode 1

This morning on the way to preschool....

Me: Sam, where's your school bag?

Sam: Mom, school bags are for losers.

Me: Oh, so you're not carrying a bag anymore? Where are you going to put your work?

Sam: Mom, you don't know anything about being cool. I'll fold it and put it in my pockets.

Me: So, I'm not cool?

Sam: Are you kidding me. Don't make me repeat myself.
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This exchange happened in the car. Once the car was parked, my very COOL 4 year old had a meltdown and had to be carried in. Before we walked in the door to his classroom he told me he needed a minute. I put him down and he walked away a few feet and wiped his eyes and then did a little wiggle. Maybe he was shaking it off. Then he turned around, gave me a fist bump and walked in to class like he owned the place. Then he yelled "hey guys, sorry I'm late, I had to chill out a little".

Kids are weird. Period. 

Especially, this one.

My kid is brave. I think maybe I am not so much.

I broke a bone in my arm this week. It's numb and swollen but I still keep using it like nothing is wrong. Being broken is frustrating. Being sick, recently, has not been an excuse to not get up and go. I have kids to run around and a job to do and no time to deal with broken bones, broken hearts, broken cars.. or cancer. I have people tell me how brave I am and how amazing it is that I worked through two years of sickening, mind altering, treatment. It happened again today and I immediately thought of my Molly. My mostly naughty, very funny, very clever middle kiddle.

Molly is brave. When she was very small we noticed a growth on her chin. It feels like it just appeared overnight, but I'm sure it took much longer to grow in to the quarter size it was when we finally saw it taking over the better part of her chin. Four years and several surgeries and treatments later, her little tumor is finally completely gone. Fingers crossed!

What is most remarkable about her is that she was never afraid to say what it was or how it made her feel. We have discussed the scar and what people will think about it hundreds of times. She freely expresses her sadness and fear and embarrassment. It's like she understands already that acknowledging these hard things and saying them out loud and deciding how she will live with this now will help her as she grows up. She is young and sometimes a little flighty, but she is wise and she is brave. And she is beautiful.

I think I really just figured it out. If I were truly brave, I would have faced it head on and dealt with the emotional shit that comes with the reality of cancer. I have cancer. And, for now, as far as I know, I may always have cancer. Even with clean blood and clean scans, it is there. It waits. I will not always have this broken arm. But, I will likely always have cancer.

I admire my little girl for being able to own how she feels and say it. I admire her for being present in the hard things and not shrinking from them. I am sure this is not the first lesson I will learn from her.