Summer is over? What did we do? I forget.

I haven't posted since January. I keep thinking I need to, but I have no time. But, if I don't post I will forget. I forget everything. I was forgetful before, but this new forgetfulness is different. It is expansive and sometimes scary. There are empty months and years... empty summers, empty road trips, empty relationships. Seriously, there are whole relationships that I remember almost nothing about. There are long trips taken years ago that should have vivid and funny stories associated with them and the fun things we brought home from them, but I remember almost nothing. The evidence is in a few photographs and some bits and pieces of the journey, but not much more. 

I need to start using this as a place to share what I do remember when it happens or shortly thereafter. I learned the hard way how precious my own stories were and grieve for the lost journals every day. I need my kids to know what their childhood was like. I want them to remember it all. Some will be awesome, some will be terrible. We're experiencing a lot of both right now. But, mostly it will be an accounting... as much as I can as often as I can. 

This much I know about our summer...

FRECKLES! FRECKLES! FRECKLES! Snowcones!!

 Graduation induced yawns...

So, we had a killer after party at Nan's house. He looks like a mini frat boy.

This one was honored with an award that was equivalent of being the teachers absolute favorite pet ever...

then she turned 12 and my heart broke in to a thousand tiny pieces.

The mountains burned (see the giant flames behind the crazy kids) while we competed in the annual family olympics.

Jellybean consistently had the cutest haircut of the summer. 

Then these hooligans came back from china and we had the most fun of all fun that has ever been had with them  before they went back to the land of smog and street poopers.

We DID NOT spend enough time at the pool. But, the time we did spend was awesome and filled with best friends and diving board shenanigans.

Our week in San Diego was my favorite. Boogie boarding and sandcastles and surfing and  digging for crabs... heaven.

Carlsbad Beach, August 2012

Everyday Conversations Episode 1

This morning on the way to preschool....

Me: Sam, where's your school bag?

Sam: Mom, school bags are for losers.

Me: Oh, so you're not carrying a bag anymore? Where are you going to put your work?

Sam: Mom, you don't know anything about being cool. I'll fold it and put it in my pockets.

Me: So, I'm not cool?

Sam: Are you kidding me. Don't make me repeat myself.
________________________

This exchange happened in the car. Once the car was parked, my very COOL 4 year old had a meltdown and had to be carried in. Before we walked in the door to his classroom he told me he needed a minute. I put him down and he walked away a few feet and wiped his eyes and then did a little wiggle. Maybe he was shaking it off. Then he turned around, gave me a fist bump and walked in to class like he owned the place. Then he yelled "hey guys, sorry I'm late, I had to chill out a little".

Kids are weird. Period. 

Especially, this one.

My kid is brave. I think maybe I am not so much.

I broke a bone in my arm this week. It's numb and swollen but I still keep using it like nothing is wrong. Being broken is frustrating. Being sick, recently, has not been an excuse to not get up and go. I have kids to run around and a job to do and no time to deal with broken bones, broken hearts, broken cars.. or cancer. I have people tell me how brave I am and how amazing it is that I worked through two years of sickening, mind altering, treatment. It happened again today and I immediately thought of my Molly. My mostly naughty, very funny, very clever middle kiddle.

Molly is brave. When she was very small we noticed a growth on her chin. It feels like it just appeared overnight, but I'm sure it took much longer to grow in to the quarter size it was when we finally saw it taking over the better part of her chin. Four years and several surgeries and treatments later, her little tumor is finally completely gone. Fingers crossed!

What is most remarkable about her is that she was never afraid to say what it was or how it made her feel. We have discussed the scar and what people will think about it hundreds of times. She freely expresses her sadness and fear and embarrassment. It's like she understands already that acknowledging these hard things and saying them out loud and deciding how she will live with this now will help her as she grows up. She is young and sometimes a little flighty, but she is wise and she is brave. And she is beautiful.

I think I really just figured it out. If I were truly brave, I would have faced it head on and dealt with the emotional shit that comes with the reality of cancer. I have cancer. And, for now, as far as I know, I may always have cancer. Even with clean blood and clean scans, it is there. It waits. I will not always have this broken arm. But, I will likely always have cancer.

I admire my little girl for being able to own how she feels and say it. I admire her for being present in the hard things and not shrinking from them. I am sure this is not the first lesson I will learn from her.

What holidays?

I started a dozen posts during the holidays, but I failed to finish any of them as I was busy reading books and watching movies and loving every minute I could get with my kids, with my siblings and their kids, with my labies, and with fewer and fewer visits with my doctors.

Christmas is a blurr. New years is a bigger blurr. I barely documented the holidays with my fancy camera.  What I did document looks something like this...

He's pretty super. Kid had Christmas loot coming out his ears, but this cape and mask I picked up at the very last minute at WalMart for less than $5 took the cake. He wears it every day. He asks for it before he's really awake in the morning. It often goes something like "Mom, where is my super suit.. WHERE IS MY SUPER SUIT." This is when I remind him that he is not Frozone and I am not responsible for his super suit.

We rarely leave the house without it. He has many drawings of his super hero alter ego. Today he called to tell me that we should probably think of a secret name so nobody knows that it's him. "You know, mom, like Mr. Incredible."



And this....

We gave my sister's kids Just Dance 3 for the Wii for Christmas. We threw it in at my mom's house one afternoon and this is what happened. For hours and hours and hours. He joined in without a remote. He won every dance off. Just ask him. According to him, he's the reigning family champion.

Our holidays were filled with crime fighting, dancing, and a lot of time together. There will be more about the girls. But, for now, enjoy his moves.